I Am Always Alone
Nineteen-ninety-three. 1993, that is. The year I made my debut out of a woman’s womb in Malaysia. Not just any womb though. It is well-known fact that I was abandoned by the woman and man who apparently decided, or maybe undecided, to bring me into this world. To add salt to injury, I was left at a dumpster. A dumpster! However, the good news is that I was adopted at the age of eight months into a good family with parents and a younger brother that love me.
Growing up, despite having done a couple of television commercials, I was never an outgoing person. Not one to jump into any conversation. In primary school, or middle school, I do have friends but that ends when I am at home. I’m lonely and that has been something I’ve been trying to get used to. When I was ten, I was bullied up until I was twelve. Honestly, there were not any serious physical bullying but a bully is a bully. Things seemed to get better in high school but the bullying did not stop. I was still bullied daily. It might seem like I have many friends and companions but as usual, I’m alone again when I’m at home. I do not have anyone to go to when I’m down apart from the girl that I dated for three months. Even so, she could not help much. I had a few achievements that I was proud of. From having small roles in dramas to choir-singing to dancing Michael Jackson songs to being an emcee and ending as the head of monitors. Even though these are just small remedies, nothing seemed to cure my loneliness and the tears that follow every single day without fail.
In 2011, I got into college. I first joined A-Levels for six months. I dropped out because I find it too demanding and also because not only I have no friends there but the only one I have already left. My loneliness just does not end. Never. Like a woman who goes on nagging about her unfilial children. I joined a new course and I met some friends that I hung out with for a few months. However, things changed when I started to hang out with this new friend of mine. Lightspeed-ly, if that is even a word, we became closer and closer. I only go to him every single day. We made our own promises to never leave one another and to never get angry at each other, among others. Unlike any other, he became my brother. Someone as important to me as votes are for politicians. I have never experienced not being with him and hence, when the time came for him to go away, I could not take it. As selfish as it seems, I only hope that he puts me above anything else but that would not be possible. I can only wait for him to return to me. Slowly. Patiently.
I have been this boy without anyone for 19 years already and I have still not gotten used to this feeling. There’s no zest any more in waiting for this loneliness to die off. I’m soul-less and useless. That is what I will be for the rest of my sad and miserable life.